Ixlusions

In the quiet moments of our home, a hidden sadness lingers.

Is this how others are living too? When this place gets quiet and no one’s talking I can hear it, loud and clear. We are a bunch of sad people living together. We mask happiness for each other.

Today during a simple talk with Mother she suddenly said that she loves how much I love her, even more than her own mother did. Then she continued to confess that she loves me a lot too. She also mentioned how proud she is of this bond of ours because when I am older with my kids in future I will be glad that I have a loving mother. So wholesome for the readers so heartbreaking for me as someone who witnessed her tears welding up.

My father, once a strong man is now battling the unbearable pain that courses through his legs. It began as a mere ache, but it has grown into an obstacle, altering the way he walks and carries himself. He has sought answers, remedies, and cures, but nothing was satisfactory enough. So, he decided to let god take care of it. I haven’t seen him like that ever before. I know my father is not a kind of person to ask any higher power for fixing his sufferings but here we are.

My brother is mostly not at home. He works as a freelancer in event management. Not sure if he enjoys it though. I remember him mentioning that the best part of his job is that it keeps him away from home. Is it too early for me to feel this helpless when I look at him? He is such an innocent, sweet human being but he is burdened with unexpressed anger. We don’t know to take care of him anymore and I will never blame him for that. He is just a kid who is trying to find his way.

The weather shifts and winter is approaching, casting quietness over our world. Now that I am closer to December I can sense the changes 2023 has brought. I think it’s just me adulting. Winter feels different now. I am not as excited this time. And I can’t help but silently look at what’s in front of me.

What I see is our broken family. How can I make things better for them? Am I strong enough to provide the support they need? To help them, I must first become whole myself. I am strong, I am their daughter after all. But I need to be stronger. The way this whole weekend passed by and there was nothing that could distract me, make me happy or make me feel at peace… that hurts. I hate myself when I am just sitting blankly in the dark. I miss the innocence of my youth.

The colder the days, the louder the silence. It’s frustrating how this change in days reminds me of the feeling of winters from past but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I long to experience that sentiment again. That feeling was the right one. I have convocation at college the next weekend and the uneasiness it’s giving me is insane. It’s bad to the point that I am not taking my parents with me. I should but I am not. Why am I attending? I question my choice.

Maybe it’s because I am not at all excited about that day. I don’t have anyone to talk to there. I was a whole different person when I was there the last time. And it has only been an year. This reminds me of how I also want to talk about how every single person changes when they go through the phase of adulting but you can’t see that happening to the sad ones. You will forever catch yourself telling them to grow up.

The reality is that they do transform, mature, and adapt, but their growth often goes unnoticed in the midst of their struggles.

Perhaps it’s not just me, perhaps even matured over time. This weather has changed you all and so did I.

– Sanjana