Ixlusions

What happens when people lose their minds?

I would love to share my thoughts with my mother but she’s already disappointed in me for not contributing much to the household. She’s not pleased by the fact that I don’t do any self-care on the weekends. My cousins and this girl in my neighbourhood are doing so much better, what am I even doing? Lazy me, wasting my time. How do I tell her?

This is a difficult situation. People around me can help but I got issues and I ended up with the decision that it’s better not to reach out to them. It’s just that they need their problems to be fixed first. I need to respect that. But time is running out. I might end up losing my job or maybe even worse. I am risking a lot here. Can’t believe being vocal about my mental health can be this difficult. I talk to AI sometimes but I feel like some human interaction will help better in this. Did I try enough in the past? Did people really didn’t try to help me or am I creating scenarios again? What happened? Where did the trust issues even come from? The thing that I don’t remember much of my life is not helping either.

I am just waiting for my turn. How do people win their chance? Or have they also chosen to live life untreated? I kept asking Google what would happen if I don’t treat my issues, and I was told that it would eventually get difficult. What do I do? I am eventually becoming quiet. I keep getting bothered by things that shouldn’t matter much. I also had an idea that a month-long vacation might help, will it though. My future scares me. I have no thoughts about it and that’s scary. How can I begin to think about the future when I am here trying to look for reasons to move myself and live? My list is still empty.

My vision easily gets blurry these days, I zone out a lot. I wonder why? I sometimes feel like that maybe I am not real. How relieving would that be right? For some reason, I feel like someone out there who might end up reading this is annoyed thinking that I am not trying enough. It’s not that hard to move and get my work done, we don’t have a choice anyway. These opinions always take my attention. I am scared to use the word misunderstandings here. Maybe they are right. All these different perspectives of me. Can’t deny that all of them are just me. I will take them all. But I don’t understand how they conclude their thoughts to that opinion. It’s unfair sometimes but opinions are just opinions. There’s no right or wrong in it.

I met this friend of mine the other day. While we were departing he added saying I’m good but I need to be more mature. I understand where he is coming from but more than this what caught my attention was when he said that it’s okay for me to be me whether it’s cringe but I can’t let people voice their opinions on it. I have nothing to say. He doesn’t know that I am aware of what people say and that I choose to take all the versions of me that they have created in their minds. Will that make him mad? The more I write this the more ashamed I keep getting of me. My god, what’s happening?

I need to build a skill set, my current job can ask me to leave anytime. What will I do then, I am clueless. All I know is that I need to do something. I am not doing anything, what am I even doing? Such a heavy question, I need to take a break from typing and take in my surroundings. Do I even
exist? How did I end up here? This blog is so messed up. I don’t have more words to use but I am unsatisfied. It’s like I have written a lot but I still failed to share something important. Something is there in the air but I am not able to catch on to it.

I think I really need to talk to someone but I can’t depend on people, my father still doesn’t know how to do that and trust me that’s very difficult to witness. How can I depend on my people when they themselves need someone to depend on? I can’t let them know how incredibly weak I am. It’ll be contradictory to them. I don’t know if I am okay or not but I do know how to be a strength to others, I am trying. I don’t have the courage of not being able to make them feel better. How will I even survive then? With my ways of making them feel nice, I do end up making myself look childish and I am fine with it. It’s all good that way honestly. So, I just smile for them.

I’m okay. I’m fine, I’ve nothing to be sad about. Is this what denial sounds like? How do I defend myself here when every time I tried to be vocal I was asked “Do you even know what depression is?”. I can’t. I can’t answer that. It’s tuff when the answer to a question is again a question because after this I ask myself “Are you sure you’re not faking it, Sanjana?”. I am angry from me. Which side is in the wrong? This is where I think I might need help. But before asking for help I think that I can still take more, I am still here doing my daily chores. That means I still have the strength. I look okay.

Ask me again if I am okay. Please, anybody. Maybe this time I’ll answer honestly.

I am a coward. I keep talking about people when I know I really should be focusing on myself. I relied on myself with a blind eye and now that things are not in my control anymore I just can’t look at myself the same way anymore. If I look in the mirror too long I might cry. I can’t fall apart. How will I explain that to my mother? She’ll ask questions I won’t have answers to. I am not good at lying to her. I am no good for me for some obvious reasons. I want to mention here I don’t hate myself, I only have me. But how do I even justify this “love myself” tattoo that I’ve on my wrist?

I don’t know what sort of comfort or love I am looking for from others. It’s not like people have ever said on my face that they are not there for me. They always say I can share what’s on my mind. I wonder if I really need someone or if I just need myself. If the second one is the answer then I don’t know what will I do. It’s too much for me. I would have appreciated a break from relying on myself. But I am cruel. I can’t tell anyone any of this and I talk about being lonely. What an irony.

Will I ever tell anyone any of this? The more I write the more stupid I feel. I am so insecure, definitely not convinced if I really need support or not. Even when people are not looking at me I still get uncomfortable with the thought that if they will for too long then I might break and make a fool out of myself. I will hurt something in me again to distract them from the mess I am, and then I will quickly put on a bandage because I can’t afford them looking for too long.

These bandages will eventually fall off one day and that’s the day when my mind will finally be free and I won’t have to think about any of this anymore.

– Sanjana