Ixlusions

Before starting I would like to mention that I am okay!

I am okay, I really am. But am I at peace? I am going through a lot of emotions in the back end. Piled up one above another. Helping or restricting me from paying attention to my gut feeling. Is it true that no one cares or am I being too sensitive? Am I thinking too much? Is it really normal to not make sure that people are comfortable around you? As they’ve never tried doing that for me. And, oops on my part but I have tried raising this concern a couple of times… they did mention that this is how they are and god did that statement destroy me? A big YES. Should it not have? Like isn’t changing and adjusting a little for your people a form of loving? or am I mistaken again? And for the context, this is not for the purpose of blaming people. People are nice.

You see,

I’ve started to feel like nobody’s looking, like no one notices and if they did then they at least would have been a little more considerate. People are not dumb, right? I cry easily, can’t have spicy food, open up a little too quickly, always make sure that any words or actions of mine have not bothered anyone in any manner and I even end up making myself look dumb at times… I do realize that can be irritating for others. I swear I am working on this one too!! Also, what’s up with trying to quickly have these bonds with people? like that work friend of mine is obviously not my family, common now Sanjana. Really?
But isn’t it weird that this same person got tattoos and piercings? How weird that she doesn’t talk much when she’s off her working hours. Seemed very friendly and nice to me when she was here in person. She’s not trusty enough, I think. Said no one ever, directly at least. But I did feel this way. Did no one think that something might have made me feel that way, to keep my distance? Is it too weak that in my defence I only have that to say?

I wonder how I will respond when one day I am face to face with another me and when she asks me; now tell me everything. I know she will know that when that question is asked you are supposed to actually pay attention. What even is “ignore it”? How is that supposed to make anyone feel better? I literally kept ignoring it and after months here I am now writing another blog. I really do believe that from all that I have to share it doesn’t include any problems to discuss in it. It’s just I will appreciate the feeling of having someone out there for me, what a bliss.
I am not saying that I am the only lonely being who is nice to others. I know everyone is. And this is where my thoughts disappear and I lose myself. I only have me. And oh I am crying. How rude.
You tell people how you feel about something, they will tell you how worse it is for them and then you get quiet.
You tell people how you feel and they will tell you to ignore it and then you get quiet.
You tell people how you feel and they will tell you “not to irritate them and shut up” and you shut up.
You tell people how you feel and they will think it’s about them and then get angry at you.
You tell people how you feel and they will say that you’re overthinking or that you are being judgemental and not thinking about others. How rude Sanjana.
You tell people how you feel and people? where are they now?
You tell them why is it this way for you when you were there for them and reply with “This is who I am, got any problem?”.

Do you all know what happens when I go home on days like this? I can bet you don’t because I have mastered to not let my face speak when it’s hurt. As it only makes the situation worse. I tell my father to not pick me up from work on those days. I either travel from the longest route, where I always end up getting lost or I get another piercing or tattoo. What a good and quick distraction. I used to cut myself and I think that I have matured my self-harming habits. At least it looks cooler this way.
I cry a lot. Where is even my mind? I have lost my contact with reality. Is it cute that I had imaginary friends when I was younger? What happened to them? Where are they? I felt safer in covid. Is gaslighting me into thinking that I am still losing myself a good idea? As I do know I already have. What’s happening? My memory is a joke at this point.
It’s visible now that the way people treat me affects me a lot. They know now. And I agree that that’s very immature of me, my childish ego is speaking. Kinda cringe. People have been very nice. They were on my life pages and the audacity I have to not be grateful to them. I remember one of them telling me that if I attempt to make a new person out of just their 1% then that person will also be way better than what I am as a person. And, I failed to notice.
I need to stick close to these people. They have done so much for me and I am too much to be with. Who even will tolerate this much? I don’t hate myself but I can’t help but look at myself in a negative manner when I see from their eyes. And, what they’ve taught me is that they are always more right than I am. Also, the fact that I am low on my social energy, I don’t think that I will be able to make any new friends for a long time. This is not who I used to be. Never looked at life this way before.
Cruel, cruel me. I promise I am not writing this to make it look like I am not okay. Because that is just rude and inconsiderate for others. In case of not being okay, you will have to assert your dominance as the most tortured one and me? I am just tired. Don’t worry I have a tight hold on my behaviour now. I believe I will act smarter the next time. And that’s when you can say that I have finally matured somehow. Of course, I have it way better than most people. Hence, I confirm that I am okay. I am okay.

Oh look she just asked me how I am always so happy and full of energy. That’s sweet. How do I say? Where do I even start from?? I have so much to tell. Hmm..

Oh is she laughing at me, I need to stop being loud.

He just insulted the way I talk and yes he is right. I need to speak less. My pitch is too high.

People around me are mature people. It’s time to learn to fit in.

People are nice and I? I will be okay. : )