Ixlusions

Work stress is not all about work being stressful but also about the work it takes to sort the fight of me against me

now that’s tiring.

As an elder daughter in my early 20s, not being able to solve things between my mind and heart makes me feel ashamed of me, since that’s not how I’ve lived my life all this time.

People at work says that “You’re just a little adult yet, this shouldn’t be affecting you like that. We came out just fine out of that phase”. I wonder how they actually were like, off working hours, back at their place?

I don’t know what language to use to tell them how I feel? Each language make it sound like I’m immature and over dramatic. That’s everything I would never want to be.

Only if my parents noticed that my tired eyes have never looked like that even though I’ve missed my sleep a several times or had that phone with me through all these years. Only if they checked that how I’m not participating in interacting like I normally do or that how I’m so moody now a days but mostly seen in a gloomy mood.

It is painful how they’ve made my obvious signs and words feel unseen and unheard. They did mention that “that’s life” or “that’s how it works, so I shouldn’t cry” and the way they didn’t fail to express that my papa’s tired now and that I’m responsible for something in this house…

That gave me pure fear of not letting this job go at all cost…

my first job..

not my dream job.

Dear people,

This blog is not me being a young adult in the corporate world who’s struggling to share her feelings with her parents. This is about me as a human just wanting a break from the expectations. I know this is how we people are supposed to be, this is how we live. But art, love and respect is what we live for and peace is what we chase.
If you ever see someone not being able to express and in a constant state of gloom, let’s just stay silent with them. How about agreeing with their thoughts? Listen to them since solving that chaos is totally upto them as long as they ask you for help. Trust me they got this!
Be there peace, create and gift them some art. Incase you really do care.
Because the reality check and your personal experience that you’re giving them is what had them be in that situation in the first place.


– Sanjana



Surprisingly, what I wrote up there is what I needed when I was in actual told that my tears look like they are just for the show. An immature act to be exact.
How ironic that crying is a regular now, once breakdowns used be a funny, meme-like word to me, look how the tables have turned and now all that I’ve left in my plate is a piece of Sunday since Saturdays are also working for us.

Lol

Unfortunately, blessed by my fate, I know how to be a brand new happy person by Monday after crying at work for a whole week. As depressing as the process is, I still like to call this a talent.

I did fell and bruised my ankle. It took a whole week for it recover but by Monday I’ll start to walk back in the “life cycle” named wheel now. My real personality is what it costed me to get the role of a child that my parents do surely like better now.

I had to come here and write this since I don’t have a choice now. Monday is the deadline and my mother failed to understand the assignment, just wow. I requested her many times to spend some time with me but she said she’s tired, ohho.
All i would’ve asked for was a hug in silence for 5 – 10 mins but i wonder if she keeps a check of healing habits? I’ll try again and will ask her to go on a walk with me tomorrow. But, oh we’ve guests over! Totally can’t miss out on prioritizing them more than anything now, can we?

Work stress might not have made me write this only if my parents choose to notice me with action then. Ice-creams and cakes is not what I would’ve asked for, just a calm day at home with me and them would’ve done wonders.

I may be sounding rude or stubborn here or even a child who have misunderstood her parents. But the fact that I didn’t even cry or fought with them for their time shows how used to this I’m now. All I want is for them is to be a little more observant just like the person they’ve created me into.

Maybe I’m lonely that crave this much for my loved ones attention but trust me on that I’m my only comfort person. And, I now I got this.

That’s how it always ends,

I’m just afraid of their reaction for the time when it won’t.